I’m working on a review of Google Wave to be released tomorrow – so do send me your questions or leave them in the comments, if you have any.
The review was slated to come out today, but a more important topic got me thinking this morning.
Here’s how it started:
Charlie Gilkey and I had a little debate in the comments section of one of his recent blog entries. I took the position that if something is “hard,” it’s generally hard because it’s worth doing. Charlie took a slightly different position, saying (correct me if I’m wrong, Charlie) that many people have a misperception that life or things worth doing “should be” hard – when in reality there’s no reason why this need be the case.
Charlie made a good point, and I agreed to think it over – but I still didn’t believe him.
Now, I’ve thought it over.
Everything is hard… for someone.
Take exercising and eating right, for example. I have met people who are just naturally slender. They naturally like healthy foods. They naturally like working out. This is just who they are – and it is easy for them.
On the other hand, exercising and eating right is enormously difficult for other people (me, for example). Maybe they just naturally don’t like healthy foods. Maybe they have a medical condition that prevents them from working out. Maybe their genes conspire to make them naturally insulin resistant.
If the large person becomes thin through hard work, we will cheer for her. We do not cheer the naturally thin person. Why?
The difference is in the merit we can claim for these actions.
Stick with me here.
For someone who is naturally slender (or naturally intelligent, or naturally good at sports, or naturally vivacious), there is no struggle for them to remain thin, wow everyone with brilliance, win sports games, or work a room. So there is no merit in these things for them. They come naturally and are not the result of hard work. Therefore, while these are all good qualities to have, the people possessing them don’t warrant special praise or commendation for that possession because they didn’t do anything to achieve them.
For someone who is naturally prone towards eating “comfort” foods (for whatever reason – probably something to do with their childhood), or someone who is not naturally intelligent or good at sports or naturally vivacious, there is merit in them when they eat healthfully, acquire learning, etc. Why for them and not for others? Because they were not born with it. They had to work very hard to achieve their ends.
The merit comes, not in the possession of qualities, but from the work it takes to possess them.
The merit comes for the fortitude, the honesty, and the virtue it takes to go out and get something that you really want.
There is no particular merit in being good at sports, whether you’re naturally good, or whether you had to work 8 hours a day at it. (Sorry, major league sports players.) There is a particular merit in working that 8 hours a day to achieve something of value to you.
You already agree with me.
You are going to tell me (quite correctly) that one doesn’t cheer for virtue or merit in a sports stadium. One cheers for prowess. True.
But implicitly, you agree.
I’ll prove it.
Who’s the more commendable person: Paris Hilton, or Naomi Dunford?
Why?
Both women have businesses.
Both women are successful.
Naomi doesn’t have the same kind of fame that Paris has… but does she consider that fame a value? (I don’t know, Naomi. Do you?)
Two businesswomen. What’s the difference?
Paris was born wealthy. She’s never had to work a day in her life.
Naomi (or any other businesswoman who’s locally famous – Havi, for example), not so much.
Too big of a contrast?
Ok.
Think of all the hard-luck people you’ve ever heard about.
Liz Murray, who started off homeless, but later put herself through Harvard.
Terry Fator, who worked his ass off and ended up a multi-millionaire with a theatre named after him.
There are hundreds more. Need I go on?
The world loves stories of people who started with nothing and then made something of themselves.
The world loves stories of merit.
People who started off rich and beautiful and stayed rich and beautiful are just not that interesting.
So what the hell does this have to do with giving up?
So far, I’ve only talked about people who have gone out to get something, and succeeded at it.
I’ve said that their merit was – not in their success – but in the virtues required for them to become successful. (In their honestly, their perseverance, their love, etc.)
Does giving up on something mean you’re worthless?
No.
Which is the entire point.
Our society says that people who give up are worthless.
That’s simply not the case.
It takes the same virtues to pursue something as to win it. It takes the same courage, dedication, and honesty. It probably takes more honesty to admit that what you’ve set out to achieve is no longer worthwhile to you. Or that you don’t have the skills or resources to accomplish it.
This isn’t to say give up on everything that you value.
Obviously not.
It’s to say that it’s ok to re-assess what you want. It’s ok to give up on the things that are no longer of value to you. It’s ok to change your mind.
Permission to fail?
A lot of people have talked about failing early and often to jumpstart your business.
But if you give up on something for a good reason, is it really failure? Is it really even giving up?
I’d love to hear what you think.
Leave a comment below or shoot me an email.
What’s been your experience with “giving up” or “failing”?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Charlotte, have you been reading The Dip again?
I’d be willing to bet that most of those folks that succeeded on merit gave up on any number of things that weren’t enabling them to achieve their core goal.
And oh yes, I know failure. I went through a business failure in the dot com bust and lost everything, and recently I got caught by the real estate downturn and lost everything again. But you know what? I don’t even worry about that most days. I’ve (hopefully) learned from my mistakes, and I’m looking forward to what I can do in the future.
The big key learning that I’m working with right now is avoiding false dependencies and timesinks. It’s very important to assess whether a task is truly necessary to a project, or whether it’s a way to avoid the hard part of the project, or a way to get a warm fuzzy that isn’t really needed and chews up a lot of time.
Mike Stankavich´s last blog ..Home Networking Versus Voluntary Simplicity
I’ve put things off or abandoned them because they didn’t work out. That’s not failure to me, it’s smart.
Michael Martine´s last blog ..WordCamp NYC is the Place to be this Weekend
It depends on the scale that you’re giving up. Giving up on your dreams is a pretty sad situation, but giving up on the current course of action because it’s not effective is perfectly reasonable.
I think that stigmatisation of failure is a symptom of another major problem: addiction to being right. We’re taught so often that we need to be right about things, that we forget the most important thing isn’t being right, it’s doing what works.
And what works in the long term, could well be giving up on today’s course of action.
Iain Gray´s last blog ..Why Your Website Only Attracts Cold Calls
In proposing that “if something is difficult, it must be worthwhile”, you are espousing the classic Protestant Work Ethic. I’m not sure it works that way. What happens if we focus on making our greatest strengths stronger and leaving those things that we are not good at to others who have strengths in those areas? I think we all succeed. That is not to say that i think people should give up on doing something they LOVE but have little or no competence in. We can learn, grow and succeed by hard work as well. I agree wholeheartedly with Iaian – “giving up on your dreams is a pretty sad situation.”
Never give up on your dreams!
I’ve spent a little over a year reinventing myself as a mom, a stay-at-home mom, then a mompreneur, and now I’m thinking about going back to work. After I had my son I had to make room in my life and renegotiate my entire landscape, which meant giving some things up. The hardest part has been fighting the inclination to beat myself up for the choices I made and am still making. A major influence that’s helped me work past this is Eckhart Tolle’s books “A New Earth” and “The Power of Now,” both of which espouse the practice of accepting what is and not pouring life energy into thoughts about your past, worrying about the future, and letting you mind and ego become your identity. Easier said than done, but it’s been quite helpful for me.
Victoria´s last blog ..One Last Thing
I think there is a difference between something being difficult and something not being easy.
For example, going to the dentist is difficult, but it IS easy.
Here comes the “the Law of Least Effort”, which comes from ancient Indian Vedantic philosophy. It states that the less you “strive” to achieve something the more likely it is you will achieve it.
For me, it’s all about intention, and then getting myself out of the way.
Joshua´s last blog ..5 Advantages Job Seekers Have with Social Media